Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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