First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
