You smell like a Billy Joel song
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
