just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
