Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
