I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
