I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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