____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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