all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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