I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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