I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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