You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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