Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
