I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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