i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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