Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
