I can text with my tongue
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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