Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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