I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
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Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
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My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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