Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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