i already hear my dad disowning me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
