just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
