If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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