I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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