my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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