he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
