Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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