We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
