dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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