So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
