I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
