So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
