I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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