Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
