I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need a beard to bite.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
