Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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