omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
