Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
