Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
