So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
