I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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