About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...