i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
