Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
