I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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