The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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