New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
