Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
