Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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