This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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