i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
someone owes me an orgasm
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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