I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
