i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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