i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Terrible idea I love it
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
