If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
