There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
