i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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