can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
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