you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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