There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
